Dear People of Australia

Dear People of Australia ,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the Economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put Workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme Will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible For the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government Deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not Be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government Has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should You feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the Attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Kevin Rudd

Canberra

PS: Have a nice life. . . . .

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it “Kevin Rudd”

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you: Do you really want to get rid of“Kevin Rudd”?

6. Firmly Click “Yes”

7. Feel better?

Test the Intelligence

On a visit to England, Kevin Rudd meets with the Queen of England and asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?” “Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.” Rudd frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?” The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s quite easy. Just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle.” The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?” Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, Your Majesty?” The Queen smiles and says, “Answer me this, please,Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?” Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “Well, your Majesty, that would be me.” “Yes! Very good,” says the Queen. Rudd is impressed. He goes back to Canberra and summons his Ministers. “Julia, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?” “I’m not sure,”says Julia, “let me get back to you on that one.” Julia calls his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give her an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes Wayne Swan’s shoes in the  stall. Julia shouts, “Wayne! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Wayne yells back “That’s easy. It’s me!” Julia smiles and says, “Thanks!” and heads back to the office to speak with Rudd. “Say, I did some research and I have the answer to the riddle. It’s Wayne Swan.”Rudd angrily yells, “No, you idiot! It’s Tony Blair!”

fencepost turtle

While stitching up the hand of an 80-year-old farmer, who got cut while fencing on his property, the doctor, struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his appointment as Prime Minister of Australia. “Well, you know,” drawled the farmer, “this Rudd fella is what they call a fencepost turtle”. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was. The old farmer said, “When you’re driving along a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s called a ‘fencepost turtle’.” The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain, “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he definitely doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just gotta wonder what kind of fool put him up there in the first place!”