bank

This was taken from The Times newspaper A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.

Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. >From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows: 1. To make an appointment to see me. 2. To query a missing payment.. 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.) 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8. 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN’T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

Published in:  on December 19, 2009 at 5:50 PM Leave a Comment
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join the church

A young couple wanted to join the church, the priest told them, ‘We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.’ The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the priest ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. ‘You are back so soon…Is there a problem?’ the priest inquired. ‘We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month.’ The young man replied sadly. The priest asked him what happened. ‘Well, the first week was difficult… However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, Prayer, reading from the Bible….anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts. One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,’ admitted the man, shamefacedly. The priest lowered his head and said sternly, ‘You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.’ ‘We know.’ said the young man, hanging his head, ‘We’re not welcome at Bunnings, either.’

Published in:  on December 14, 2009 at 1:14 PM Leave a Comment
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Why men shouldn’t write an advice column

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband’s help. When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don’t feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

Published in:  on December 6, 2009 at 7:39 AM Comments (2)
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The Sceva House

this is from scevahouse.com

The Sceva House THE STORY The following account is compiled to form the best representation of the event based upon newspaper articles, police reports, and the tape recording found at the scene of the crime most likely to be made by the suspect. As of June 2007, the Sceva case is still listed as inactive by the Federal Bureau of Investigation. The case was abandoned sometime in 1976 for reasons unknown. The Sceva Family On the evening on January 8th, 1972 all four members of the Sceva family were believed to be at their residence in Silo, OK. Mother, Margot Sceva age 36, answered the ringing telephone at approximately 8:11 PM. The suspect’s tape recording reveals the following conversation: Margot: Hello? Suspect: Yes, hello? Margot: Margot speaking. –HANGUP– The second call is believed to have been made 20 seconds later. Margot: Hello? (pause) Hello? Suspect: Who am I speaking with? Margot: This is Margot. Who is this? –HANGUP– Sceva House (Rear Window) The third call is believed to have been made 20 to 60 seconds later. Father, Marshall Sceva age 37, answered the telephone. Marshall: This is Marshall speaking. Who is this? Suspect: Marshall? Marshall: Yea, buddy. Do I know you? Suspect: I don’t believe we’ve actually met. Marshall: Listen buddy, you either have business with me or you have the wrong number. Suspect: What makes you think that? Marshall: Well, I don’t reckon I know you’re voice. Suspect: I have the right number. I can see you talking to me through your kitchen window. Marshall: Excuse me? –HANGUP– At 8:14 PM a call was made by Marshall Sceva to the Sheriff’s Department. Analysis of the recording of the call made at the Bryan County Police Dispatch Center reveals that the emergency call was made 12 seconds before the suspect entered the home. The only information the Sceva was able to relay to the operator was that they were the victims of a prowler and they needed immediate assistance from the police at their address. The suspects entrance is marked by the vocal cue of Margot Sceva and then accompanied sounds by children Darby age 8 and Kenneth age 7. The operator was unsuccessful in receiving any further assistance from Marshall Sceva who left to phone to aid his family upon the suspect’s entrance. The Sheriff was dispatched at 8:15 PM from the neighboring town of Durant. Upon his arrival at 8:26 PM he found the front door of the home to be open and the scene to be void of victims and suspects. Signs of a struggle were evident from a broken lamp and vase and a general disheveling of the main sitting room. The sheriff also noted that dinner was left cooking on the stove. To this day, the whereabouts of all four members of the Sceva family are unknown. Also the identity and whereabouts of the suspect are unknown. Investigators collecting the Blue Box used to hack the phone line. The investigation uncovered a device at the scene of the crime that commonly referred to as a blue box. This device is used in an illegal practice called “phreaking” where the offender connects a blue box to an outdoor residential telephone circuit housing in order to make telephone calls. Phreakers primarily do this to make long-distance phone calls for free. Such a device was found connected to the outdoor phone box of the neighboring house to make the calls to the Sceva residence. There investigators also found a recoding device that was used to record all three calls made from the blue box. The FBI’s investigation into the Sceva case lead it to down a long trail of new technology crimes and aided in the arrests of many individuals not connected with the Sceva case. Since the blue box technology was not widespread by any means and the invention of the blue box was believed to have been made between 1971 and 1972, investigators believed the suspect to be closely related to the small network of phreakers. Although this was the most promising lead in the investigation, the network proved to be uncooperative and largely uninformed. PHREAKING A great Wikipedia article on phreaking, the method that was used to call the Sceva house from the neighboring house’s outdoor phone box: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phreaking ***Note: We do not condone nor recommend the practice of phreaking. It is a federal crime. We are providing this information only as related reference for further reading. Sceva House Photo 1981 THE LEGEND According to several eyewitness accounts, strange activity continues at the Sceva house. Over the past 30+ years, the forrest has grown up around the house making it hard to see from the road. Trees have uprooted the foundation and have crawled into the windows. Teenagers and college students make a night out of sneaking into the house, conjuring spirits with a Ouija Board, and daring each other to sleep in one of the beds. Some last the night, some don’t. Although the home is generally regarded as a place of urban legend or myth, there are many stories that point to the supernatural. People claim to have heard the phone ring inside the house at night. Others claim to have seen the ghosts of the Sceva family lurking around the small town. You can take these stories with as many grains of salt as you like, but we have at least 10 documented reasons based upon our own research why we believe something is afoot at the Sceva house. 10 Reasons Why We Think The Legend is Real or Something Super Fishy is Going On: 1. The Town of Silo Just try and ask anyone in Silo about the innocent. We did. It will get you nowhere. Either people act like they don’t know what you’re talking about or they will politely invite you to leave town. They know something’s up. We know something’s up. 2. The Phone Box The phone box is missing from the Sceva house. We know this because we went to the property and the box was ripped from the exterior wall. If this is the case, then why do neighbors hear the phone ring inside the house at night? Newspaper clipping 3. FBI’s Attempt to Censor the Press According to a 1972 article in the Durant Daily Democracy, a regional FBI director called the newspaper’s management and requested the paper to quit publishing stories about anonymous tips they were receiving about the family. Why would the FBI not want tips to be published? Afraid a reader would get a memory sparked and discover who the killer was? So, what did the Daily Democracy do? They wrote a story about the FBI trying to censor them! Anybody smell cover up? 4. The Tape The police department recorded the call made to them by Marshall Sceva. The recording is nothing but pure creepiness. If the hairs on the back of your neck don’t rise while listening to it, then something is terribly wrong with you and you should seek counseling immediately. Anyway, the recording was made public in 1976. It’s pretty much the standard rundown of an emergency call. Lots of frantic conversation. Lots of noises in the background. After about 46 seconds, not much is known and a lot is left up to imagination and inference. Listen to it and make your own conclusion. 5. The FBI Investigation FBI investigator, Mark Trammel A little snooping in the microfilms at the public library in Durant, OK will uncover more than you’d ever want to know. 1, The search parties were called off after only 48 hours. Since when have you ever heard of a land-based search party lasting only 48 hours? 2, The lead investigator, Mark Trammel, was re-assigned to another case only hours after he made a big break in the case. The details of the “big break” are classified to this day. 3, Jeffery Lumbrow took over the FBI case after Trammel’s reassignment. Lumbrow requested a transfer 12 days later. To this day, the FBI lists this case as “inactive.” Not closed, not open, not solved… inactive. 6. Norman Normandy The only man in Silo who will talk about it. Why? He lives next door to the Sceva house! According to Norman, every once in a while he hears the phone ring inside the house. 7. Paul and Margot Forrester One Fall evening in 1979, Paul and Margot Forrester drove through Silo, OK on the way to visit a relative in the next town. They drove down through Main Street around 10 PM and were forced to stop their car in order to avoid hitting a small girl who was standing in the middle of the road. They asked her what she was doing out so late. The girl told them she ran away from home. They told her that her parents would be very worried and offered to give her a ride home. The girl directed them to drive to what appeared to be an abandoned house. The Forresters were obviously puzzled by this. When they asked her if she was certain that she lived in this house the girl reacted violently and told them to let her out of the car. She ran from the car into the house. When the couple pulled back onto Main Street they passed a parked police car. They pulled over and told the officer what had just happened. When the couple told the officer the description of the girl he turned pale. The three of them went back to the house to search for the girl. She was nowhere to be found. When the police officer had given up searching he told the couple “Welcome to our ghost story.” The description the Forresters gave the police officer matched perfectly that of Darby Sceva–everything from her ruby red hair right down to her cleft palate. 8. How We Found Out About It A close friend of mine, Rob Lovelin, is a producer at A&E. He worked on a show called Cold Case Files that features a notorious unsolved crime in each episode. It’s a great show. I highly recommend it. Anyway, they had heard about the Sceva case and began doing research on the story and trying to setup interviews. They were 4 days away from flying out to Silo to begin doing some preliminary on-location shoots when Rob got the call that the Sceva show was being dropped and they were going to do a show on the Zodiac killer instead. Rob was very discouraged by this because he believed this to be the most intriguing story of the entire season. So Rob began asking questions to a couple of the managing producers and executives–they were all real hush-hush about it. After a couple of weeks of probing he finally got one of them to talk. To quote Rob, the executive said, “All I can tell you is that we came across some information that led us to make this decision. We are not going to make a show that puts any of our people in danger.” Rob immediately questioned him about this supposed danger, and the executive told him that the conversation was over. 9. The Legend of the Sceva House Documentary A couple of goofball Christian comedians decided to make a video of themselves staying in the house overnight. The results were rather interesting. Check it out: 10. The Ruth Osborne Story To make a long story short, in 1988 a group of students at Southeastern Oklahoma State University attempted the infamous Sceva house all-nighter. By 3 AM they had all left because they got spooked. When they arrived back home, they realized that their friend Ruth was not with them. They had left her at the Sceva house. When they found her, she was tucked away in a closet. To this day Ruth Osborne resides at the Charmuth Psychiatric Center. She has been a selective mute ever since. The unfortunate thing about this is that no one will ever know what really happened that night.

Published in:  on November 1, 2009 at 12:19 AM Leave a Comment
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Computer trouble !

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called the 11 year

old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to

come over.

He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID

Ten T error? What’s that?  In case I need to fix it again.’

He grinned.  ’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error

Before?”

No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it

Out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

Published in:  on October 25, 2009 at 4:05 PM Leave a Comment
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Christian Grow Up

3:18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be the glory both now and to the day of eternity. Amen.

We are commanded to grow in grace and in knowing Jesus!  Now God is very reasonable.  He doesn’t command us to do something that is out of our control.  For example, he never commands us to grow physically.

Growth in grace, however, is different than physical growth.  We control our growth in grace by either obeying God and His will or resisting Him.

Grace is a gift, but God tells us the requirements of the gift.  “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

“Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God.”  Growth in God’s grace requires us to humble ourselves.  It requires us to actively seek God’s kingdom (His rule over us) and His righteousness (His right living).

Grow in knowing Jesus.  Get to know Him better every day.  Read His word.  Listen to Him.   Obey Him.  Turn away from every sin — every thought you think and everything you do against His will.

It is time for us who call ourselves Christians to grow up and be the people God has called us to be.

Published in:  on October 24, 2009 at 4:30 PM Leave a Comment
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Thomas the Tank

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of You b*****ds who want off, get off now, ‘cos we’re in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get on now, ‘cos we’re going down the tracks’.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.’

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
‘All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.’

She hears the little boy continue,

‘For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.’

As the mother began to smile, the child added……….

‘For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Published in:  on October 20, 2009 at 5:26 PM Leave a Comment
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new church

I been going to my new church now for 14 weeks and loving it. Sermons are great and in a happy church family. It has Solid Bible Teaching, an in-depth worship experience that brings a believer into the presence of God and the Church band is small but good.  Today I started to find out how to come members.

Published in:  on October 11, 2009 at 5:00 PM Leave a Comment
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2009 Nobel Peace Prize

The Nobel Peace committee have made a bad joke of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize, awarding it to US President Obama for…what was it now? Oh right, because “Obama captured the world’s attention and given its people hope for a better future”.

Al Gore won the PEACE prize for bringing attention to……. ta da!! “Climate Change”. That shows the credibility of the prize these days. And, Gore won it for a non-existent scare campaign.

he same Commander in Chief who is prosecuting a war in Iraq and Afghanistan and who will shortly send an additional 40000 troops to Afghanistan..How can a man who said he would order missile strikes on Pakistan, made baseless accusations agaisnt Iran be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?……seriously this is a joke isn’t it? Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize…..maybe it should have been the Nobel Piece Prize….the guy has done nothing and even his own country is heavily divided over his Presidency.

Published in:  on October 9, 2009 at 10:27 PM Comments (1)
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Jesus all about Life

I’m really disappointed by the Jesus all about Life campaign so far. With all
the time effort & money that has been invested to tell people about Jesus, the only message I’ve heard really so far amounts to “Thank you Jesus for the pixies!” Where’s the Jesus of Mother Theresa living with sick people in the slums of India? Where is the Jesus of Martin Luther King getting equal rights for the coloured people in America? Where is the Jesus who can help people make their marriages work, teach people how to love & take away their tears, where is the Jesus who looks at the unfairness of life in Australia and stirs people to do something about it. Jesus is about getting down with the dirty, gritty ugliness of life and making it right. Jesus is about life, but spending thousands of dollars to say thank you for the sunburn just trivialises Him and highlights all that is wrong with the Christian church today. Jesus all about life, great slogan, terrible campaign. Just plain embarrassing.

Published in:  on October 8, 2009 at 6:11 PM Leave a Comment
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