Christmas joke

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough”.

“Dad, what are you talking about?’” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer”, the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her”.

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like hell they’re getting divorced”, she shouts, “I’ll take care of this”.

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

“Done! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”

Google+

Just sign up to Google+ and I am very happy with it. If you like a invite let me know and I send you one

Judging

why is it when we say someone off to hell we are Judging but when we say they’re off to heaven we are not. but we are all off to hell with out God in our lives

my iprimus homehub

this was the best thing to do with this i had heaps of trouble with it. now i am with engin

 

 

 

 

 

P&C outdated

Todays Federation of Parents and Citizens’ Associations of  New South Wales is out dated and just for people who have way to much time on there hands and lobby on their own behalf .  they need to be change to a fundraising  group so the head of the school can run school like there pay and trained to do. P&C were once the only way you were able to get info on what was happening and give your opinion on  school topics but now there email and  phone  to  voice opinion without going to a meeting and missing out on family time. its is hard for single mum people who work odd hours or commute to work to get to the meeting.

A v WITH A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist’s office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. “No way”! No needles!” I hate needles”, the man said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. “I can’t do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me”! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection”, the man said. “I’m fine with pills”. The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet”. The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, “WOW”! “I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer”! “It doesn’t”, said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth”

One Useless Cat

Scroll down Please read end message, it’s just beautiful ! ! ! FOR SALE: One Useless Cat

Bragging about the kids

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, ‘My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.’ The second guy said, ‘Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.’ The third man said: ‘Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.’ The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: ‘What are all the congratulations for?’ One of the three said: ‘We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?’ The fourth man replied: ‘My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.’ The three friends said: ‘What a shame… what a disappointment..’ The fourth man replied: ‘No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

the new Noah Ark

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Bega (Gods country?) and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over -populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every li…ving thing along with a few good humans.” He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.” “Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?” “Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed since you asked me to build your 1st Ark. I needed a Building Permit. I’ve been arguing with the Building Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I’ve violated the Bega Valley LEP and DCP, numerous SEPs and many other Regulations by building the Ark in my back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Bega Valley Council and now we have to go to the Regional Planning Committee for a decision and then to the NSW Land & Environment Court. The RTA; Council and the Electricity Company have demanded a shirt load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us and it would float itself, but they would hear nothing of it… Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Barking Owl habitat. I tried to convince the Council, The Green’s and local environmentalists that I needed the wood to save these same owls – but NO – GO! When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Green’s put pressure on the NSW Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on YOUR proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunity Commission & Labour Council on how many minorities and women I’m supposed to hire for my building gang. Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who do want to work. The Building trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the ATO and Customs seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 20 years for me to finish this Ark.” Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” “No,” said the Lord. “The AUSTRALIAN GREENS and LABOR PARTY have beaten me to it.”

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when…

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don’t have e-mail addresses  .

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get
it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF